What is a Bum Gun? A bum gun is an answer to all of your prayers. It is both devilishly complex and angelic in its simplicity. A bum gun exists to clean your ass. Not the braying kind; the one you sit on. Many people decry the use of the bum gun and state that they do not see the point. I submit that anyone who has experienced the cleanliness of using a bum gun will never willingly go back to just wiping their ass with dry paper.
I know a gentleman who, once he was introduced to the bum gun could not say enough good things about it. He raved to everyone how great it was. He had them installed in his house for everyday use, he told his friends and insisted that they install them also.
He went so far as to source a plastic bottle with a spray nozzle on the top that he could use in a pinch when traveling where no bum guns were available. It is a mediocre solution at best as there is limited pressure from a squeeze bottle but needs must.
But for simplicity and ease of use, nothing beats the bum gun. They are simple to install, you just need to “T” into the water leading to your toilet and add the bum gun. Nothing could be simpler.
Added Bonus
Another bonus of using the bum gun is you will never forget to wash your hands before exiting the toilet. It sets the stage for knowing you want to wash your hands before continuing with your day.
The Best Things in Life are almost Free
The cleanliness of using a bum gun cannot be overstated. There is no equal, though to be fair the French bidet comes close, and the Japanese smart toilet is better. So much better. But both the bidet and the smart toilet cost extra $, the bum gun is pennies to install and pennies to operate.
Note: The Bum Guns above are from a higher-end DIY store. The cheapest one listed above starts at 360 baht. You can certainly find them at Mr. DIY or your local hardware store for 150 baht or even less.
Quick Tip for anyone wanting to try a Japanese-style Bidet Toilet
The Terminal 21 shopping malls here in Thailand have Japanese toilets installed. So if you want to drive a Cadillac toilet, give it a whirl.
They come with, heated seats, heated water, adjustable for man or woman, and a blow dryer to air out your grievances.
Japanese toilets are not to be underestimated. But they are also not cheap.
Top of the Line
They range from a few thousand baht, up to over 200,000 baht (It comes with music, lights, and a remote to operate it), though I am not sure why as it is not like you are going anywhere until you are finished, are you?
The Necromancer – sorry, NEOREST by Toto – we are not in Kansas anymore Toto.
Note the remote on the stand to the right of the NEOREST.
On sale at 209,000 baht ~$6270 USD (1 USD = 33.33 baht)
I kid you not. The Japanese take their toilet very seriously.
The bum gun is simplicity personified. It has only one purpose, and it excels at its job. It exists to wash your troubles away and present you with a pristine surface that you can be proud of. Simply blot dry and get on with your day. The bum gun is freedom on the can. Freedom from will-knots and won’t knots and all things circling Uranus.
Lets Be Reasonable
A more reasonable offering for a Japanese-style bidet toilet is offered by many companies.
American Standard. COTTO and Kholer have several offerings that are not too expensive.
I went out to check today and this is what I found.
| Bidet Seat Model | Price in Thai Baht | Price in USD |
|---|---|---|
| COTTO Basic | 1990 | $60 |
| American Standard Bidet | 11490 | $345 |
| COTTO Bidet | 13350 | $400 |
| Kholer Bidet | 24900 | $747 |
Prices go up from here to 60k, 80k, 120k, all the way up to the TOTO (we are no in Kansas model above at 209k
But do you really need a bidet seat for your toilet?
The bum gun is all you really need, it exists to make sure your cheeks are pampered, pristine, and protected.
Bum gun vs bailing for water
Out in the wild, you may find yourself without water pressure and, no handy bum gun; there may just be a cistern of water, be it a bucket or trough, and a plastic bowl for bailing. Anyone who has used a bum gun knows the virtues of the bum gun over the bailing bowl. The bum gun is precise, pinpoint accuracy, you might say. The bowl is a messy affair, water, water everywhere. Good luck keeping things dry with the bowl.
The bum gun is precise and adjustable. You can start off with low pressure (I advise newbies to do this), before working your way up the pressure scale. It can be a bit disconcerting when you go to use a bum gun that is set to high pressure if you are not expecting it.
A word to the wise is to gently squeeze the trigger on your first attempt with any new to-you bum gun until you know what the occupants of the household like. I have experienced everything from a slow trickle that barely gets the job done to what feels like you are sandblasting the car with a water slurry. Not for the faint of heart.
A bowl you say, what do you mean a bowl?
It’s true, in many locations in Thailand and indeed Asia you will find toilets that do not have an actual lever or button to push to flush them, you must do it manually with a bowl of water.
Actually, it is often a plastic bowl-sized ladle. They are everywhere. Though sometimes it can just be a bowl.
This bad boy will cost you 38 baht at Thaiwatsadu. Approximately $1.15
There will be a cistern of water, or a bucket of water, with a bowl to scoop it out with. You simply scoop a bowl of water and flush the john with it. It is not complicated, but it is different.
These are often found with The Squat toilet. There will be a ladle and a bucket or a bowl to scoop water from the bucket and flush the squat toilet. If you are lucky the squat toilet will be a flushing model and if you are very lucky there will be a bum gun available for you to use as well.
For adventures on the Squat Toilet please read this article.
Once you have experienced the squat toilet you will know what I mean by very lucky if a bum gun is available in there as well.
Now, I know what you are going to ask, and to be honest I do not know the answer. I invite comments from anyone who does know the answer below. The question is how are you supposed to use the bowl as a means to wash yourself, like you would with the bum gun?
Do you pour water over your ass and let it run down your crack? I cannot see how this is effective; I have never been able to figure out the bowl method in the toilets that have them and nothing else. I avoid these toilets as much as possible.
Research tells me that you can use a combination of the ladle and your hand to clean yourself. So….you dip you hand in the water and clean the area in question. Nope, not for me – give me the bum gun any day.
My Kingdom for some Toilet Paper
This is good advice anywhere, but especially here, always make certain that there is toilet paper in the stall BEFORE you go too far and regret that you did not check first. There are few things worse in life than sitting on the john in post-dump bliss and looking around for some TP only to find your stall lacking in the most basic of john necessities.
If you are lucky, there will be a bum gun handy, a quick squirt and you are merely slightly damp, something you can recover from with ease – what are clothes for, after all? But, if there is no handy bum gun, you are stuck with literal crap on you, and solutions are not easy to find. It is a shitty place to be and anyone who has been in this situation here in Thailand, or Asia, knows to be prepared.
Often there is a single wheel of TP out in the common area of the bathroom, or a toilet attendant selling small pieces of TP. If none of these options are available, you had better hope you have your own supply. The savvy traveler in Asia knows the Boy Scout motto – “Be Prepared.”
Again, if the bum gun is in the house, you simply need a small piece of TP and a quick pat dry. Bliss at its simplest. If there is no bum gun, well you already know what to do, I just hope you brought enough TP with you to complete the job adequately.
Do not flush the toilet paper – what’s up with that?
Toilets all over Asia and in many parts of the world come with a little sign that states, please do not flush your toilet paper (or some version of that statement). Well, what’s up with that, what are you supposed to do with it? It is not like you can reuse it – can you?
The answer is no you cannot. But you cannot flush it. The pipes in many places are not designed to take toilet paper.
I know to a Westerner, this seems counterintuitive. Toilet paper is meant to be flushed with the business of using the toilet. But where there is a bum gun there is no fuss, no muss. You are not dealing with a mess; you are simply blotting things dry.
So, slightly damp toilet paper can safely be stored in the can next to the toilet. It is not dirty, simply damp, it does not smell.
Obviously, if there is no bum gun in the house, then your TP is covered with more than just water and it will smell, however, you still cannot flush it Place it carefully in the bin provided and exit the room as per normal. Someone will clean it up.
Don’t forget to Wash your Hands.
It is a bit of a strange phenomenon, I know. I am sure it is not unique to Asia; I am sure there are other places where the pipes cannot handle the paper as well, but I will not name them here.
Note: When you travel to 5-star locations, you may not see the signs, to not flush your TP and you may not see the bum gun, more’s the pity. But apparently, the 5-s tar locations have decided that it offends their clientele’s sensibilities. I have seen this with my own eyes. I assume they have machines to grind down the TP before it enters the sewers to prevent any problems. But who really knows?
The Bum Gun hits the Mainstream
These days there is a lot of information about the Bum Gun. There are sites dedicated to its use and where to find them, there are videos out there talking about the Bum Gun. It is an idea that has finally reached its time.
The Bum Gun is finally in the limelight. Go ahead and do a little research, your ass will thank you for it.
In Conclusion
The bum gun reigns supreme, as the frugal man’s solution to toilet hygiene. Use it wisely and it will be your friend for life, it is simple, effective, and costs pennies to install and operate. Everyone will tell you it is more hygienic than just using toilet paper. There is a bit of cultural shock at first, but once you have experienced the results, you will quickly become one of the converted and ready to spread the gospel of cleanliness to everyone you know. You just can’t help yourself.
The more advanced Japanese-style toilet is the way to go if you have the funds. They are the king of the porcelain seat. But with prices ranging from a few thousand to over 200, 000 baht. They are a luxury item, which is out of reach for many. However features such as heated seating, warm water, adjustable pressure, and blow drying are not to be sneezed at if you can afford the price.
As stated I invite you to try these kings of porcelain at the Terminal 21 shopping malls in Thailand to see for yourself.
For the rest of us the bum gun is where it is at, the place to be the best of the butt. They are cost-effective and easy to install, they make life so much better.
Go ahead and give it a try. You won’t be disappointed.