What is a bum gun? A bum gun is an answer to all of your prayers. It is both devilishly complex and angelic in its simplicity. A bum gun exists to clean your ass. Not the braying kind; the one you sit on. Many people decry the use of the bum gun and state that they do not see the point. I submit that anyone who has experienced the cleanliness of using a bum gun will never willingly go back to just wiping their ass with dry paper.
I know a gentleman who once was introduced to the bum gun and could not say enough good things about it. He raved to everyone how great it was. He had them installed in his house for everyday use, he told his friends and insisted that they install them also. He went so far as to source a plastic bottle with a spray nozzle on the top that he could use in a pinch when traveling where no bum guns were available. A mediocre solution at best as there is limited pressure from a squeeze bottle but needs must.
But for simplicity and ease of use, nothing beats the bum gun. They are simple to install, you just need to “T” into the water leading to your toilet and add the bum gun. Nothing could be simpler.
Added Bonus
Another bonus of using the bum gun is you will never forget to wash your hands before exiting the toilet. It sets the stage for knowing you want to wash your hands before continuing with your day.
The Best Things in Life are almost Free
The cleanliness of using a bum gun cannot be overstated. There is no equal, though to be fair the French bidet comes close, and the Japanese smart toilet is better. So much better. But both the bidet and the smart toilet cost extra $, the bum gun is pennies to install and pennies to operate.
Quick Tip for anyone wanting to try a Japanese Toilet
The Terminal 21 shopping malls here in Thailand have Japanese toilets installed. So if you want to drive a Cadillac toilet, give it a whirl. They come with, heated seats, heated water, adjustable for man or woman, and a blow dryer to air out your grievances. Japanese toilets are not to be underestimated. But they are also not cheap. They range from a few thousand baht, up to over 200,000 baht (It comes with music, lights, and a remote to operate it), though I am not sure why as it is not like you are going anywhere until you are finished, are you? I kid you not. The Japanese take their toilet very seriously.
The bum gun is simplicity personified. It has only one purpose, and it excels at its job. It exists to wash your troubles away and present you with a pristine surface that you can be proud of. Simply blot dry and get on with your day. The bum gun is freedom on the can. Freedom from will-knots and won’t knots and all things circling Uranus.
The bum gun exists to make sure your cheeks are pampered, pristine and protected.
Bum gun vs bailing for water
Out in the wild, you may find yourself without water pressure and, no handy bum gun; there may just be a cistern of water, be it a bucket or trough, and a plastic bowl for bailing. Anyone who has used a bum gun knows the virtues of the bum gun over the bailing bowl. The bum gun is precise, pinpoint accuracy, you might say. The bowl is a messy affair, water, water everywhere. Good luck keeping things dry with the bowl.
The bum gun is precise and adjustable. You can start off with low pressure (I advise newbies to do this), before working your way up the pressure scale. It can be a bit disconcerting when you go to use a bum gun that is set to high pressure if you are not expecting it.
A word to the wise is to gently squeeze the trigger on your first attempt with any new to-you bum gun until you know what the occupants of the household like. I have experienced everything from a slow trickle that barely gets the job done to what feels like you are sandblasting the car with a water slurry. Not for the faint of heart.
A bowl you say, what do you mean a bowl?
It’s true, in many locations in Thailand and indeed Asia you will find toilets that do not have an actual lever or button to push to flush them, you must do it manually with a bowl of water. There will be a cistern of water, or a bucket of water, with a bowl to scoop it out with. You simply scoop a bowl of water and flush the john with it. It is not complicated, but it is different.
Now, I know what you are going to ask, and to be honest I do not know the answer. I invite comments from anyone who does know the answer below. The question is how are you supposed to use the bowl as a means to wash yourself, like you would with the bum gun?
Do you pour water over your ass and let it run down your crack? I cannot see how this is effective; I have never been able to figure out the bowl method in the toilets that have them and nothing else. I avoid these toilets as much as possible.
Squats – Not Just at the Gym
I know squats are good for you, and we should all do more of them (any of them) for our health. But, a squat toilet is a Westerner’s nightmare. We, or at least I, do not understand them. I know the basic mechanics and I also know that they are actually better for you for defecating, but to actually use one is not as simple as it seems.
The vast majority of squat toilets are manual flush – yep you guessed it there is a bowl and you need to flush the toilet by scooping water. I get that, I know how to do it. But, how the hell do I use the thing without getting water all over my pants and underwear? I mean for a regular sitting toilet you drop your drawers and sit on the john. Unless there is water on the floor, you will not get water on your clothes.
Well, the squat toilet has water everywhere, so there is no way you are getting out of there with dry clothes unless you take them completely off and hang them up somewhere until you are done. Even then you have to get back into them on a wet floor, so you will most likely get some water on them. The squat toilet is the bane of my life and I avoid them if at all possible.
My First Squat – The Porcelain Demon
My first experience with a squat toilet was about 1 hour outside of Beijing China, we were heading southwest and had stopped for gas at a service station, and I was feeling the need to go number 2. Mostly because we had a celebratory dinner the night before to welcome us into the country and to celebrate the beginning of the job, we were going to do onshore of the Bohai Bay field.
Many beers were had, and spicy food was consumed. I had traveled from Canada the day before, had the beer and spicy food, and was now traveling in an SUV in rural China. For anyone who has not experienced traveling the roads in China, I invite you to give it a try. The rules of the road are more relaxed when you share the road with everything from large trucks to donkeys. People go where they need to go at their own pace, speed, and direction at times. You need to be aware at all times of everything around you.
I was lucky, so I thought, we had made it to the gas station in time, but something was imminent in my digestive tract. Time, while fleeting, was at this point of the essence. Fellow travelers will know what I mean.
I dashed inside and was confronted with this porcelain demon. It was a hole in the ground, with footrests on either side. I was confused, what was this? I was expecting a toilet. I quickly dashed to an adjacent stall and was confronted with the same thing. I was out of options. I had no time; a decision was being made for me by my body. Whether I wanted to use this contraption or not I was going to. There was no other option.
This was my first experience with a squat toilet, so I did the usual, dropped my drawers, and attempted to squat over the hole and keep my drawers dry and my aim true. I am sure you can imagine the result. There was crap everywhere and I am still trying to keep my shoes and clothes out of it and now I am faced with a dilemma.
How do I wipe my ass while holding my clothes up off the toilet, maintain my balance and escape this hell hole? I am telling you this was no easy task. My legs are already tired from squatting, over the toilet, I am trying to keep my clothes dry and wipe my ass with my other hand, without falling over. I was oh so lucky that there was a remnant of TP available for me to use in that toilet. I shudder to this day if there had not been something there to wipe my sorry ass, it would have been messy.
Sadly, there was no bum gun, though at that time I did not know anything about a bum gun, so I do not know if I would have used it if it had been available. This was in 1997, and I was still pretty green in the ways of the world.
Eventually, I manage the wipe, groan myself back to an upright position, and pull my underwear and pants back on. Anyone from the West who is not doing squats at the gym knows how I am feeling. Sensations were rushing back into my legs as equilibrium was restored to my body.
I got the bailing bowl and bailed water out of the nearby trough until the porcelain demon was clean and got the hell out of there. I staggered back to the truck and slept the rest of the way to our destination. This first encounter with the porcelain demon still haunts me to this day.
My Kingdom for some Toilet Paper
This is good advice anywhere, but especially here, always make certain that there is toilet paper in the stall BEFORE you go too far and regret that you did not check first. There are few things worse in life than sitting on the john in post-dump bliss and looking around for some TP only to find your stall lacking in the most basic of john necessities.
If you are lucky, there will be a bum gun handy, a quick squirt and you are merely slightly damp, something you can recover from with ease – what are clothes for, after all? But, if there is no handy bum gun, you are stuck with literal crap on you, and solutions are not easy to find. It is a shitty place to be and anyone who has been in this situation here in Thailand, or Asia, knows to be prepared.
Often there is a single wheel of TP out in the common area of the bathroom, or a toilet attendant selling small pieces of TP. If none of these options are available, you had better hope you have your own supply. The savvy traveler in Asia knows the Boy Scout motto – “Be Prepared.”
Again, if the bum gun is in the house, you simply need a small piece of TP and a quick pat dry. Bliss at its simplest. If there is no bum gun, well you already know what to do, I just hope you brought enough TP with you to complete the job adequately.
Do not flush the toilet paper – what’s up with that?
Toilets all over Asia and in many parts of the world come with a little sign that states, please do not flush your toilet paper (or some version of that statement). Well, what’s up with that, what are you supposed to do with it? It is not like you can reuse it – can you?
The answer is no you cannot. But you cannot flush it. The pipes in many places are not designed to take toilet paper. I know to a Westerner, this seems counterintuitive. Toilet paper is meant to be flushed with the business of using the toilet. But where there is a bum gun there is no fuss, no muss. You are not dealing with a mess; you are simply blotting things dry.
So, slightly damp toilet paper can safely be stored in the can next to the toilet. It is not dirty, simply damp, it does not smell.
Obviously, if there is no bum gun in the house, then your TP is covered with more than just water and it will smell, however, you still cannot flush it Place it carefully in the bin provided and exit the room as per normal. Someone will clean it up.
It is a bit of a strange phenomenon, I know. I am sure it is not unique to Asia; I am sure there are other places where the pipes cannot handle the paper as well, but I will not name them here.
Note: When you travel to 5-star locations, you may not see the signs, to not flush your TP and you may not see the bum gun, more’s the pity. But apparently, the 5-s tar locations have decided that it offends their clientele’s sensibilities. I have seen this with my own eyes. I assume they have machines to grind down the TP before it enters the sewers to prevent any problems. But who really knows?
The Bum Gun hits the Mainstream
These days there is a lot of information about the Bum Gun. There are sites dedicated to its use and where to find them, there are videos out there talking about the Bum Gun. It is an idea that has finally reached its time.
The Bum Gun is finally in the limelight. Go ahead and do a little research, your ass will thank you for it.
In Conclusion
The bum gun reigns supreme, as the frugal man’s solution to toilet hygiene. Use it wisely and it will be your friend for life, it is simple, effective, and costs pennies to install and operate. Everyone will tell you it is more hygienic than just using toilet paper. There is a bit of cultural shock at first, but once you have experienced the results, you will quickly become one of the converted and ready to spread the gospel of cleanliness to everyone you know. You just can’t help yourself.
The more advanced Japanese-style toilet is the way to go if you have the funds. They are the king of the porcelain seat. But with prices ranging from a few thousand to over 200, 000 baht. They are a luxury item, that is out of reach for many. However features such as heated seating, warm water, adjustable pressure, and blow drying are not to be sneezed at if you can afford the price.
As stated I invite you to try these kings of porcelain at the Terminal 21 shopping malls in Thailand to see for yourself.
For the rest of us the bum gun is where it is at, the place to be the best of the butt. They are cost-effective and easy to install, they make life so much better.
Go ahead and give it a try. You won’t be disappointed.